"I bought it, but you'll be happy to know that it came form a thrift store, so not one penny went to UNICEF!"(by the way, Katie, 2/3 of your Christmas presents are sitting on my desk waiting to be mailed to you, and the last one appears to have been permanently lost by the USPS)
It's a well known fact that I hate charities--this is a subject that I intend to devote a significant portion of the book I'll never write to, but there's one charity-related subject that has recently gotten me too angry to put off writing about. This is the charitable convention of "Please sponsor me to do [x] to raise money for [some 'charitable cause' that has absolutely nothing to do with x]."
A member of the University of Oregon Cycling Team was recently looking for donations for the "Polar Plunge", an event in Portland where a bunch of people jump into cold water to support Special Olympics Oregon athletes. I mean, I know they're retarded, but I'm sure even they would start to wonder how a bunch of middle class white people bringing themselves to the verge of hypothermia helps their cause.
But of course, I'm forgetting about the donations. Ah the lovely donations.
Participants must raise a minimum of $50 for the privilege of taking a wintry dip in an icy body of water in February and will receive a commemorative long-sleeve t-shirt and a bowl of soup, plus bragging rights!Yes, this is where I come in. Now I am expected to donate money so that someone else can get a free t-shirt, a free bowl of soup, some bragging rights, and a little bit of money will be donated to the Special Olympics. Even if I thought the Special Olympics was a worthwhile organization (and I don't. There's already a much better organization that provided intellectually disabled young men a chance to excel in sports, and it doesn't ask for donations), why wouldn't I just donate my money directly?
If anyone wants to swim in cold water, that's absolutely fine. It doesn't bother me, but don't kid yourself into thinking it is anything but a selfish act (and much like my hero Ayn Rand, I fully support selfish acts). If I donate money to help your cause, I'm the one doing something for charity. You're just the asshole whose t-shirt and soup cuts into the proceeds.
There are countless other events and organizations built upon this model, but perhaps the biggest offender is Team in Training. This organization helps support "over half a million" people to complete endurance athletic feats, and in return, they have to bug the shit out of all their friends for money. I'm a big fan of competing in endurance sports. I spend hundreds of hours a year on my bike, but no amount of donations will make that time help support leukemia and/or lymphoma. How about instead of "sponsor me to run" Team in Training transform into Researcher in Training and instead of donating money so someone can run a marathon, I donate money to support someone getting an MD/PhD in cancer research? Or perhaps McDonald's Employee of the Month in Training where I donate money to charity for someone getting shitty job at McDonald's and donate all the money you earn from that job to charity? At least then something productive would be happening.
Clearly, I will never donate to these causes, but other people do, and this only encourages more assholes to bug me for money. Let me make it clear, if the extent to which you are "helping a charitable cause" is asking other people to donate money, you're not really helping--they are. You're just trying to appease your white guilt (or what's the 'white guilt' equivalent of not having cancer?). So go, run your damn marathon, jump into your ice cold water, ride a bike a kind-of long distance... and give your own money to charity because this just ain't doin' it for me.
A few other organizations that should be blackballed:
Pan-Mass Challenge
Relay for Life
St Jude Heroes
(if anyone else can recommend organizations that should be added to this list, don't hesitate to speak up)
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